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The Woody Play, by Daerlynn Soulmyste
Narrator says, "Once there was a nobleman."
Narrator points to Nobleman standing at the bar.
Narrator says, "He was very rich and had everything anyone could ever want; fame, fortune and power. He was respected and admired by all in his demesne and by his peers."
Narrator says, "However, he had one small problem."
Narrator says "Once, while still a young and callow man, he had jilted the daughter of a powerful mage. He really had not meant to hurt her, but you know how young men can be when it comes to young women."
Narrator rolls her eyes.
Narrator says, "This mage, upset at the treatment of her daughter, cursed the young noble; a curse that would show him what it was like to have a daughter that was hurt. The curse obviously was not revealed for many years, until the nobleman's own daughter was ten years old."
Narrator shakes her head.
Narrator says, "This sweet young girl woke up that day hideously deformed, ugly beyond belief. At the same time, the nobleman started out of his bed, a vision of the young girl he had hurt in his youth burned into his mind, and the mage telling him that his own daughter was cursed to never have the love of a man. He was told that she would henceforth be so ugly that no man would ever want to consummate a relationship with her, no matter how 'hard' they tried. And this consummation, in light and with no clothing, was the only thing that could break the curse."
Narrator points to Daughter standing at the bar, heavily veiled.
Daughter whimpers.
Narrator says, "Of course, the nobleman loved his daughter. He searched far and wide for the mage and her family, but to no avail. He was willing to give anything, to spend anything, to give his daughter happiness."
Nobleman shakes his head, a tear running down his face.
Narrator says, "Finally, he decided to contact all the guilds of Elanthia, and asked them to each nominate one man from their guild to.. to.. to save his daughter. Riches untold would be given to both the man and his guild if.. if.. somehow he could, well.. rise to this occasion."
Chorus sings: chorus Criers went out with a guild referral;Telling of the poor ugly girl;From Theren to Shard;The solution was hard;But many men wanted to give her a whirl!
Daughter whimpers.
A Thief saunters in.
Nobleman sings: sing A Thief was the first to come by;When I saw him I wanted to die;He said with a grin;As he sauntered in;Your Daughter I'd now like to try.
The Thief grins salaciously.
The Thief sings: sing Oh Nobleman I have the right measure; To unlock your Daughter's sweet treasure; I'm not modest a bit; My key in her lock will fit; And perhaps she'd even have some pleasure!
Daughter whimpers.
The Thief saunters over to Daughter, and grabs her roughly and pulls her down behind the bar.
Chorus sings: chorus The Thief pulled her roughly to the ground;Without a soft word or a sound;His face then turned pale;When he pulled off her veil;And his key then drooped and dropped down.
Daughter stands, adjusting her veil.
The Thief stands.
The Thief runs out, holding his pants up.
An Empath saunters in.
Nobleman sings: Sing Then an empath walked in very coy; He was so young he looked like a boy;He said with a grin ;as he sauntered in;For your Daughter I now have a 'toy.'
The Empath grins.
Daughter whimpers.
The Empath sings: Sing Oh Nobleman you're Daughter I'll heal; Though I hear she has no appeal; There'll be pleasing and such; with my soft gentle touch; So bring her to me now to feel!
Daughter whimpers.
The Empath goes to Daughter and pulls her down behind the bar.
Chorus sings: Sing With this no more words did he say;As with her wanted to lay;His face then turned pale;when he pulled off her veil;And his toy was not ready for play
Daughter stands, adjusting her veil.
The Empath stands.
The Empath runs out, holding his pants up.
A Ranger saunters in.
Nobleman sings: sing Then a Ranger walked in from the trees; He was a flirt and a big tease; He said with a grin; as he sauntered in ; Bring me your Daughter to please!
The Ranger grins.
Daughter whimpers.
The Ranger sings: Sing Oh Nobleman, bring your Daughter to me;I have something that she needs to see!;Something to tug;oh and something to hug!;It's our own little personal tree!
Daughter whimpers.
The Ranger goes to Daughter and pulls her down behind the bar.
Chorus sings: Sing My oh my this Ranger was built!;and his tree was grabbed by the hilt!;His face then turned pale;when he pulled off her veil;and his tree then quickly did wilt.
Daughter stands, adjusting her veil.
The Ranger stands.
The Ranger runs out, holding his pants up.
A Moon Mage saunters in.
Nobleman sings: Sing Then a Moonie walked in very sly;He could not look me in the eye; He said with a grin;as he sauntered in;Let me teach your Daughter to fly!
The Moon Mage grins.
Daughter whimpers.
The Moon Mage sings: Sing Oh Nobleman, your Daughter will swoon; When she gazes at my large full moon!; It's quite a nice tool; When my moon is so full; and her curse will surely end soon!
Daughter whimpers.
The Moon Mage goes to Daughter and pulls her down behind the bar.
Chorus sings: Chorus And the Daughter at this then did shiver;When she saw his full moon all a'quiver;But his face then turned pale;when he pulled off her veil;and his full moon faded into a sliver.
Daughter stands, adjusting her veil.
The Moon Mage stands.
The Moon Mage runs out, holding up his pants.
A Trader saunters in.
Nobleman sings: Sing A Trader then walked up to me;My Daughter he wanted to see;He said with a grin;as he sauntered in;He'd do this without charging his fee!
The Trader grins.
Daughter whimpers.
The Trader sings: Oh Nobleman, bring your Daughter hither; It is time for me to be with her; I'll enjoy this transaction;and this bit of action;and my goods to her I'll deliver!
Daughter whimpers.
The Trader goes to Daughter and pulls her down behind the bar.
Chorus sings: Chorus The Daughter did certainly react ;when the Trader pulled out his contract;But his face then turned pale;when he pulled off her veil;and his goods a certain firmness did lack.
Daughter stands, adjusting her veil.
The Trader stands.
The Trader runs out, holding his pants up.
A Cleric saunters in.
Nobleman sings: Sing The next to come try was a Cleric;For a cleric he looked awfully barbaric;He said with a grin;As he sauntered in;Your Daughter's curse I am here to repair it!
The Cleric grins.
Daughter whimpers.
The Cleric sings: Sing I've traveled from ocean to ocean;Filled with my own holy devotion;I have followed my god;With my mace, staff and rod;And now I'll use holy water and lotion.
Daughter whimpers.
The Cleric walks over to Daughter and pulls her down behind the bar.
Chorus sings: Sing He did not attempt to woo her or court her ;Or even with pleasure reward her;But his face did turn pale;When he removed her veil;And his rod and his staff became shorter.
Daughter stands, adjusting her veil.
The Cleric stands.
The Cleric runs off, holding up his pants.
A Paladin saunters in.
Nobleman sings: Sing Then in walked a brave paladin;So armored he looked made of tin;He said with a grin;As he sauntered in;With your Daughter I can have fun without sin!
The Paladin grins.
Daughter whimpers.
The Paladin sings sing Bring your Daughter for me now to date;I've got armor and codpiece of plate!;And I have an aversion;To any girl that's a virgin;So I'll fix that problem posthaste!
Daughter whimpers.
The Paladin walks over to Daughter and pulls her down behind the bar.
Chorus sings Chorus Then the Daughter to him was brought hither;His cold armor did cause her to shiver;Then his face did turn pale;As he removed her veil;And his codpiece it did shrivel and wither!
Daughter stands, adjusting her veil.
The Paladin stands.
The Paladin runs out, holding up his pants.
Narrator steps forward.
Narrator says, "Well, whatever will happen now? Only three guilds left. Warrior Mages, Barbarians and of course those wonderful romantic Bards."
Narrator asks, "Will any of them break the curse?"
Narrator asks, "If so, which one?"
Narrator grins.
Narrator yells, "Place your bets now!!"
Daughter whimpers.
(slight pause)
A Barbarian saunters in.
Nobleman sings: sing Next came a warrior so strong;He wasn't a Bard with a song!;He said with a grin;As he sauntered in;Oh my limbs are all hardened and long!
The Barbarian grins.
Daughter whimpers.
The Barbarian sings: Sing At Barbarians others have laughed;But with weapons I do know my craft;With your Daughter I'll stand her;And use my Two Hander;I like to use a long shaft!
Daughter whimpers. Loudly.
The Barbarian goes to Daughter and pulls her roughly down behind the bar.
Chorus sings: Chorus This barbarian truly did want;He'd been out so long on his hunt;But his face did turn pale;When he removed her veil;And his Two Handed turned into Light Blunt!
Daughter stands, adjusting her veil.
The Barbarian stands.
The Barbarian runs out, holding up his loincloth.
A Bard saunters in.
Nobleman sings: Sing Next came a Bard with a lute;Like many a Bard he was cute!;He said with a grin ;as he sauntered in;I also do have a long flute!
The Bard grins.
Daughter whimpers.
Bard sings: sing Oh Nobleman, your Daughter can't lose!;All you have to pay me is booze!;Though it's a bit bent;I've a fine instrument;It brings joy whenever it's used!
Daughter whimpers.
The Bard goes to Daughter and pulls her gently down behind the bar.
Chorus sings: chorus He said he'd brought her boon;He told her the curse would end soon;But his face did turn pale;when he removed her veil;and his instrument went out of tune.
Daughter stands, adjusting her veil.
The Bard stands.
The Bard runs out, holding up his pants.
A Warrior Mage steps in.
A Wood Troll steps in.
Nobleman sings: Sing Finally as we reach our plays's last page;In there walked a wise War Mage;He said with a grin ;as he sauntered in;I'm the greatest Warmie of our age!
The Warrior Mage grins.
The Wood Troll grins.
Daughter whimpers.
The Warrior Mage sings: Sing I don't bother with the state of my soul;or lockpick or flute, sword or pole;I carved a greater talisman;Than anyone else can;For my familiar, I've got a wood troll!
The Wood Troll grins.
Daughter whimpers.
The Warrior Mage goes to Daughter and pulls her gently down behind the bar.
Chorus sings: Chorus He pulled her down and did not hesitate;and for her the pleasure was great!;His face did not pale;as he pulled off her veil;the relationship he did consummate!
Chorus and Narrator cheer!
Chorus sings: Chorus He held her again and again;The loving went on without end!;His ardor never failed,;as they writhed moaned and wailed;They thought to heaven they'd ascend!
Chorus smiles ethereally.
Chorus Chorus Ahhhhhhhh.
Daughter stands, beautiful with no veil.
Daughter beams.
Daughter smiles glowingly.
Daughter wobbles.
War Mage stands.
War Mage wobbles.
Troll smiles a very, very wide smile.
Nobleman sings: Chorus How did you go on after her unmasking?;My riches are yours for the asking!;How did you not fail;When you removed her veil?;Look at my Daughter, now she is basking!
Daughter smiles glowingly.
War Mage sings: sing Everyone said he could not do it. Now could he?;even though she has a nice bootie!;But it really was easy;for you know I am sleazy;I go everywhere with my big woodie!
War Mage points at the Troll.
Troll grins widely.
Everyone groans.
Everyone sings : Chorus Now you see the War Mage has won;And I bet you're glad the play's done!;You've waited this long;Through rhyme, verse and song;To find it ends with a pun!
Narrator says, "A bad one!"
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